


Hardest to Love

by morningssofgold



Category: Prodigal Son (TV 2019)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Comfort/Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Romance, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-25
Updated: 2020-03-25
Packaged: 2021-03-01 01:21:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,026
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23306743
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/morningssofgold/pseuds/morningssofgold
Summary: Right then, Malcolm realized that this is where he’d normally look to Dani. This is where he’d normally seek her comfort–when he was crumbling. He couldn’t hold himself together anymore. He wanted to let the grief consume him but he couldn’t, his mind wouldn’t allow it because if he fell apart. There would be no one to put him back together again. Not really. Not anymore.A Brightwell Role ReversalRequested by @PrettyButt
Relationships: Malcolm Bright/ Dani Powell
Comments: 20
Kudos: 66





	Hardest to Love

**Author's Note:**

> _I can't, can't believe you want me_   
>  _After all the heart breaks, after all I've done_   
>  _No, I can't, can't believe you trust me_   
>  _After all the rough days, you still call me up_
> 
> _'Cause I've been the hardest to love_
> 
> _Hardest to Love // The Weeknd_

_Have a feelin_  
_Now believin_  
_That you were the one_  
_I was meant to be with_  
_Oh how I'm wishin_  
_Thinkin dreamin_  
_Bout you_  
_And the love_  
_How'd I ever let you get away?_  


Janet Jackson’s airy croon filtered through Malcolm’s stereo as he stood in the middle of his massive walk-in. He adjusted his royal blue suit coat in preparation for work while also trying to adjust his mood to fit that of the mellow r&b song. 

Gil hadn’t called him in for a case but he needed to do _something_. After his latest situation, Malcolm had thrown himself into work. He didn’t want to think about all he’d willingly let happen. It seemed whenever he felt himself making progress, he couldn’t help but set himself back which was exactly what he did.

It was one of those situations that Malcolm knew was wrong but he’d done it anyway–ignoring all of the warning signs before they became warning alarms and right in front of his face. Now he just felt listless, empty and hollow. 

Malcolm tried not to think about how stupid he’d been, how he’d allowed himself to be fooled–played by a woman even more psychologically damaged than he was. Usually Malcolm could blame Martin for all of his problems but now he realized that the only person to blame for his current predicament was himself.

––––––––––––––––

As Malcolm walked up the front steps to the precinct, he was surprised to find Gil rushing out of it, hurriedly pulling on his tweed coat. His boss’s face was usually the picture of calm even in the midst of some of their most intense cases but Malcolm couldn’t miss the alarm in Gil’s nearly black eyes and the tightness in his face. This was unusual to say the least. 

“Gil? What’s going on?” Malcolm asked, hurrying to catch up as Gil breezed by, heading straight for his car.

“Not now, Bright.” Gil said dismissively–his voice just as tight as his expression. Gil was used to Bright showing up to work regardless of whether he was needed or not but now just wasn’t the time. Gil couldn’t deal with whatever absurdity Bright was about to place on his doorstep, he had far more important things to attend to.

“Gil? Did something happen?” Malcolm asked again, completely undeterred. If they had a new case, he definitely wanted in as he let himself into the passenger seat of Gil’s car. 

Gil started the ignition, “Powell’s been ambushed.”

Malcolm blinked as his vision grew spotty and he felt ice inch up his spine. He couldn’t have heard that correctly. They were heading to a crime scene. They had to be. He didn’t just hear that something had happened to Dani. 

_Dani_. His friend. His partner. He hadn’t done a very good job of being either of those things for her lately. Though they still worked closely, they weren't as close as they used to be. Those private looks and private smiles they shared hadn’t happened in a while. Malcolm hadn't been able to meet Dani’s beautiful dark eyes–eyes that saw everything he tried to hide. Though he and Dani weren’t together, Malcolm felt like he’d betrayed her. He felt like a cheater and those feelings and that knowledge made him uncomfortable and set him on edge. 

“What do you mean ‘ambushed?’” Malcolm’s voice broke on the last word and he was honestly surprised that he could form words as his mind had gone blank, only that word _ambushed_ remained. Malcolm took a deep breath forcing the bile that had risen up his throat back down again. This could not be happening. Dani was fine–she _had_ to be. Dani couldn’t be hurt. _She couldn’t be._

Malcolm closed his eyes, unable to stop remembering all the ways Dani cared for him. He remembered how she brought him home that night and helped him into his restraints. He remembered how she looked after him–how she stayed with him after the club drugs exploded in his face. He remembered how she reassured him that he didn’t need fixing as he sat in the middle of the floor, surrounded by case files in the midst of a panic attack. He remembered so many moments where she showed up for him when she didn’t have to. Each and every one of those moments, he took for granted. He took _her_ for granted as he searched for God only knew what. 

_What if she’s not there anymore?_ The thought forced its way to the forefront of his mind, the accompanying guilt, choking him. Malcolm told Dani that he would do better for her but what if he never got the chance. How could he live with that? How could he live with himself?

Gil turned off in the direction of the nearby hospital, his knuckles turning white as he gripped the steering wheel, his own calm slipping a bit. “Powell and JT were investigating a ring of weapon traffickers. Thousands of semiautomatics were being put out on the street. I sent JT to one location and Powell to another. We thought we found the warehouses in the Meatpacking District but it was a set up. They knew we were coming,” Gil finished quietly. 

Malcolm looked down at his lap, watching his hands tremble uncontrollably.

“Why didn’t you call me?” Malcolm ground out, his shock was wearing off and being replaced by something he wouldn’t be able to control. He could feel his stress levels rising and the mania starting to pull at the edges of his mind. Dani had been hurt and she was in the hospital and he was here. In a car. Powerless to help. Powerless to do anything.

“Bright, you’re not a cop and we’re more than just the department of falling sword death.” Gil sighed as he turned into the visitors parking lot. Gil honestly thought it had been the right call. They’d been watching the situation for weeks and no, they didn’t need Bright because they weren’t dealing with a serial killer but maybe _he_ would’ve seen something they didn’t. Maybe he would’ve known it was trap all along. Maybe the profiler could’ve prevented all of this.

Malcolm opened the door, hopping out before the car had come to a complete stop. He didn’t care about any of that. Someone should’ve called him. _He_ was Dani’s partner. _He_ could’ve watched her back, the way she'd always done for him.

–––––––––––––

“I’m Lieutenant Arroyo with the NYPD. One of my detectives, Danika Powell was brought here. Can you tell me how she is?” Gil asked calmly, flashing his badge at the young brunette woman at the front desk. He could feel Malcolm at his side practically crackling with energy akin to a broken power line–dangerous and unstable.

The administrative assistant looked up from the computer screen, before glancing down at a chart. “Detective Powell is in surgery.” she said, offering no other information.

Gil nodded his thanks before Malcolm cut in rudely. “That’s it? She’s in surgery? You can’t tell us anything else?” That wasn’t good enough. Surgery meant Dani’s injuries were serious. Her injuries could be life-threatening and no one was telling him anything. 

The woman looked up from once again, annoyance passing over her face at this interrogation from this strange man who in his tailored blue suit certainly didn’t look like any cop she’d ever seen, “I’m sorry, _sir._ ”

Malcolm opened his mouth to say something likely unkind and most definitely regrettable before Gil yanked him aside by the elbow. “Bright, you need to get a grip. I know you’re worried about Powell. We all are,” he said lowly, squeezing Malcolm’s shoulder blades as he often did when he needed the young man he’d all but raised to listen to him.

“ _Worried?_ _Of course, I’m worried!_ ” Malcolm said loudly, causing everyone in the emergency room lobby to stare as he roughly shrugged off Gil’s hand. His voice sharpened by the growing hysteria. Malcolm knew that if Dani were here, she would be disappointed in him. He was once again taking his frustration–his fear–out on someone else.

He pulled away from Gil, ignoring his patented concerned father look. _He_ was fine. _Dani_ wasn’t. That was the problem.

“Do we know what’s going on with Powell?” JT asked quietly as he joined them. The Iraq veteran was as stoic as they come but even he looked shaken and Malcolm knew that this was bad.

“No. We know nothing because no one in the God forsaken hospital will tell us anything.” Malcolm raked a hand through his hair, completely disturbing its usual neatness while knowing that his control was draining away quickly. 

When he got like this, usually there was nothing anyone could do other than to let it happen. Malcolm closed his eyes only to see Dani’s pretty face and the compassion he’d often seen reflecting back at him. She could handle him like this but she wasn’t here and Malcolm couldn’t have felt more helpless.

JT’s eyes slid to the twisty brainiac who appeared to be seconds away from completely falling apart but he elected to say nothing as calming Bright down was Powell’s thing not his. JT knew that if Powell were here right now, she’d give Bright one of those long meaningful stares that she always did. Powell wouldn’t say anything but somehow the profiler would know and he’d slowly relax. Observing them in action was weird to say the least but JT could understand how hard Bright was taking this.

Gil and JT took seats in the lobby while they waited for an update on Dani’s status but Malcolm could do no such thing. All he could do was pace. He had to keep moving. He couldn’t be idle. Being idle was his problem. He didn’t want to think about his broken promise to Dani. He didn’t want to think about the possibility of never being able to redeem himself.

“Powell’s tough, she’s gonna be fine.” Gil stood up, finally getting tired of watching Malcolm walk back and forth for what was well over an hour muttering to himself. Gil was scared to death about what might happen to a young woman who as much a daughter to him as anyone but what Bright was doing wasn’t helpful. 

Gil knew Bright was on the fast track to a nervous breakdown and he idly wondered when Powell began to mean so much to him. He’d always hoped that Bright would wise up and see what was right in front of him but Gil certainly didn’t want it to be like this.

Malcolm turned to him, smiling though it was all teeth. “You don’t understand. I _need_ her to be okay. I _need_ her to be whole.” His panic was rising because he truly didn’t know if she would be okay or whole. He didn’t know the extent of her injuries. He didn’t know if Dani were on the operating table this very moment fighting for her life.

Malcolm couldn’t imagine his life without Dani Powell in it. She caught him every single time he fell. She put him back on his feet and Malcolm had taken advantage of her and he _hated_ himself for it. He was rather familiar with self-loathing but never of this magnitude. Never did it threaten to eat him from the inside out.

_Have a feelin_  
_Now believin_  
_That you were the one_  
_I was meant to be with_  
_Oh how I'm wishin_  
_Thinkin dreamin_  
_Bout you_  
_And the love_  
_How'd I ever let you get away?_  


Those lyrics from earlier this morning circled around in his head as the nausea roiled around in his stomach. Malcolm didn’t pay much attention to those very same lyrics this morning but now as he was realizing very slowly that he was in fact _living_ them. Malcolm did have a feeling that Dani was the one for him but he’d ignored it and he still didn’t have clear reason why. Why did he go looking elsewhere? How did he let such an amazing woman get away? Now he’d give anything to start over. 

Right then, Malcolm realized that this is where he’d normally look to Dani. This is where he’d normally seek her comfort–when he was crumbling. He couldn’t hold himself together anymore. He wanted to let the grief consume him but he couldn’t, his mind wouldn’t allow it because if he fell apart. There would be no one to put him back together again. Not really. Not anymore.

–––––––––––––––

Dani had taken two gunshot wounds. One to her midsection and one to her left hip. The first bullet had gone clean through her vest and lodged itself in her the muscles of her abdomen, it was why her surgery had taken as long as it did. It could’ve been much worse, Dani had been lucky or so that was what the doctor told them. Malcolm didn’t see how any of this was lucky as he felt his world crash down around him.

Malcolm stood in the recovery room watching the rise and fall of Dani’s chest, afraid that if he looked away for a moment it would stop.

He truly didn’t know who he was even looking at because the woman in this hospital bed wasn’t his friend. His partner. 

Dani looked so small underneath the stark white sheets. Dani was the strongest person he’d ever met but she looked so fragile–so breakable. Her luminous olive skin was pale and ghostly. Her nearly black curls spread out over the pillow. Dani was graceful, cat-like and quiet when she moved. He was so attuned to her, Malcolm could always tell when it was her coming up behind him even before he heard her voice. But this–this wasn’t her. Dani was too still. 

Malcolm couldn’t stand it. He wanted her to wake up and tell him that everything would be okay. He wanted that ease again but Dani couldn’t give it to him. There was no relief for what he was feeling right now. There was no relief for the restlessness and the anguish that had made a home within him as he stared at a woman who’d given him so much and had received so very little in return.

Malcolm pressed a kiss to Dani's forehead, allowing his lips to linger on her too cool skin, feeling the emotion he’d been trying to suppress ever since this morning; tighten his throat and overwhelm him.

“Dani, I’m such a fool. Please forgive me,” he begged, choking on a sob, completely unable to contain his torment over all that he’d lost. All he could’ve had if he’d been a little braver and _a lot_ smarter.

As much as he groveled, Malcolm saw no change in her features. Dani’s face was as placid as it had been since he had been permitted to see her as she was still heavily medicated but Malcolm wished there were some tell, some way he could know that she’d heard him. That she’d absolved him of all his sins against her.

–––––––––––––––

Malcolm looked up from the case files that Gil had sent over to his phone as he heard Dani stir. He quickly jumped up when he saw her big brown eyes open, rushing to her bedside. “Hey, how are you feeling? Do you need me to call the nurse?” he asked softly as he saw pain flit across her pretty face as she tried to shake off the stiffness and adjust herself.

Dani blinked at him, squinting a bit as she took him in. “Why are you here?” she asked, her voice rough from disuse.

Malcolm flinched. He didn’t know what he expected Dani to say to him but it certainly wasn’t that. She didn’t say it accusatorially or with much inflection. It was a simple question but that wasn’t why he felt so crestfallen–so crushed. 

It was her eyes. Those deep brown eyes Malcolm couldn’t stop seeing every time he closed his own that always looked at him with so much softness and so much warmth. He sometimes caught those same eyes looking at him fondly whenever he rambled a bit too much or whenever he got a little too excited. Sometimes those eyes were the only good thing about his day and now he didn’t see them anymore. 

Dani looked at him as if she didn’t know him. As if he were a stranger. As if he could disappear and she wouldn’t care why and Malcolm wasn’t prepared for just how much that _hurt_. The worst of it was that he knew it was no less than what he deserved.

Malcolm glanced down a bit, before meeting those now unfamiliar eyes–trying not to shrink under their gaze, “You were shot, Dani. You think I wouldn’t come and see about you?” 

Dani gingerly turned over on her side and Malcolm could see the fatigue threatening to pull her under again as her thick fringe of black lashes began to flutter against the tops of her cheekbones, “I don’t know anything about you, Bright. You really had me fooled.” 

––––––––––––––––

_You really had me fooled._

Malcolm had known pain. He’d fallen out of windows and he’d been physically crushed. He’d been stabbed in the chest and he’d broken his own hand but all of that paled in comparison to those words Dani had spoken to him right as she drifted off again.

He realized that he’d idly been rubbing his chest as if to physically alleviate the ache in his heart. Dani thought he had deceived her. She thought when he’d told her that she could trust him, it had been a lie. She thought when he promised that he’d do better for her, that too had been a lie. 

When Malcolm said those things to Dani, he’d meant them. He didn’t want to hurt her but he somehow couldn’t stop it. He didn’t know why he was so afraid of something real. Why he opted for fake shiny things instead. 

Actually, he did. He could’ve pursued Dani. He could’ve made it clear that he wanted more than her friendship but he just _couldn’t_. He’d always thought she was too good for him in every way that counted. Dani was beautiful and kind. She was strong and compassionate. She could handle _everything_. It didn’t make sense for her to want to be with someone like him. Someone who could handle nothing. 

There was something so incredibly terrifying about the idea of becoming more invested in her than he already was. He couldn’t help thinking of what if she rejected him? What if he’d misread all of the signs she sent him. What if Dani’s affection and care was only because she knew he needed it and truly had no one else to offer it? He wouldn’t be able to stand Dani’s rejection. He’d never be able to recover from it. 

His fear had once again led him astray and Malcolm wasn’t like Dani but he wanted to be. He wanted to be worthy of her loyalty. He wanted to try again, he just hoped it wasn’t too late.

–––––––––––––––

Malcolm slowly walked back into Dani’s hospital room where he’d been for the better part of the last 48 hours. He’d been allowed to stay past visiting hours as carrying the last name of Whitly did have its advantages– few as they were–considering that his grandfather had built this very hospital and his mother sat on the board of trustees. He knew Dani probably didn’t want to see him but Malcolm couldn’t stand the idea of leaving her. Of not knowing if she’d be okay. 

He’d slipped out very early in the morning while she’d still been asleep, heading home only to shower and change out of yesterday’s suit and into something more casual–slim dark jeans and black cable knit sweater. He told Gil that he wouldn’t be coming to work and his boss didn’t press him on it, just like he didn’t press him on the fact that he hadn’t left Dani’s side since she’d gotten out of surgery. All Gil told him was to “take our girl home” something Malcolm would gladly do.

Dani had her back turned to him as she signed the papers, discharging herself. She wore a pair of loose black sweatpants, camel colored Ugg boots and an NYPD sweatshirt that swallowed her petite frame. During visiting hours, JT had dropped off the clothes Dani kept in her car. Their friend and co-worker also not commenting on Malcolm practically standing sentry over Dani.

“Hey…how are you?” Malcolm asked hesitantly, hating how awkward he felt around Dani now. She was the one he liked talking to but it seemed he couldn’t do that anymore. Talking to Dani had always been so easy, Malcolm had opened up to her about things he couldn’t tell _anyone_ but he’d ruined that too. He’d created the seemingly endless distance that existed between them now and he’d give anything turn back the hands of time–to make her trust him again.

Dani looked up, still with those stranger’s eyes that wounded him. “I’ve been better,” she replied quietly.

“I can imagine.” Malcolm said sympathetically, wishing he could reach for her. If only just to hold her hand. He knew she didn’t want to see him–much less touch him but he wished he could provide her with some sort of comfort. “Gil asked me to take you home.”

The edges of Dani’s full lips quirked up in a ghost of a smile. A smile that competed with the weariness marring her pretty face. “Oh, how the turntables.”

Malcolm smiled a bit himself as he understood that reference. For a moment, he was reminded of the way they used to be when they did this sort of thing all of the time. A moment was exactly how long Dani held his gaze, a little bit of softness–of familiarity peeking through, giving him a glimmer of hope, before her expression shuttered once more. 

Malcolm felt like he’d been cast out in the cold, right as he felt the sun begin to rise but he mentally straightened his shoulders because he didn’t deserve her warmth.

–––––––––––––––

Dani hadn’t said much on the ride to her apartment in Riverdale. She’d allowed him to help her into the back of black town car he used whenever he needed to get around. He’d placed his hand on the small of her back and he was grateful that she hadn’t flinched away from him but she’d also barely looked at him. Usually, he’d ramble about something to fill the silence but it had stretched on. Their–his–awkwardness was palpable.

Malcolm watch Dani fish her keys out of her bag, once they’d gotten to her floor of the building. He tried not to hover and he automatically wanted to help but he knew she likely wouldn’t welcome any assistance from him either.

He stood in the living room of Dani’s apartment looking around. It was small but to describe it one word, he’d say it was _cozy_. 

Malcolm could picture Dani curled up on the overstuffed white leather couch set with the oatmeal colored blanket he spied folded neatly on an ottoman by the window. While he had books on his coffee table, Dani had candles on hers. She actually had candles everywhere. On her kitchen island and on her end tables. She also had a furry white rug covering her hardwood floors letting him know that her place meant shoes off, which is exactly what Dani had done the moment she closed the door. 

Malcolm knew Dani hated when he profiled her but he didn’t have to as he took in his surroundings–her surroundings. Everything Malcolm saw he already knew just because _he_ knew _her_. The apartment was tidy but lived in at the same time and that felt very _Dani_.

Dani placed the pain meds she’d been given on the island. She looked exhausted as weariness absolutely cloaked his friend. Malcolm ached for her. He didn’t want to leave Dani like this. He didn’t want to leave her at all. He knew he wouldn’t be able to focus on work so he wouldn’t go to the precinct. He’d go back home to Tribeca and spend the entire day and night, wondering if she was okay. If she was resting. If she was in pain. Her stranger’s eyes would haunt him.

“Thanks for bringing me home,” Dani murmured turning to him, seemingly surprised that he was still here. Malcolm assumed she thought he’d just drop her off and leave. She’d never done that to him even before she truly knew him but she thought he’d do that to her. Malcolm forced himself to hold her gaze, he didn’t want the shame to give him away.

“Of course,” he said quietly, forcing his hands in his pockets, rocking on his heels a bit. “Um…can I stay?”

Confusion flooded Dani’s deep brown eyes, “You want to?” She didn’t appear to understand why he’d ask such a thing. Malcolm nodded, trying to keep himself steady as he realized just how far he’d set himself back with her. 

She sighed heavily, gingerly brushing her dark curls out of her face. “Fine. I’m gonna go shower. You can make yourself at home or whatever.” Dani slowly made her way to her bedroom limping a bit and he desperately wanted to go to her–to help her. He wanted her to lean on him just as he'd always leaned on her.

Malcolm quietly followed behind her into her bedroom taking in those surroundings as well. It had the same sort of decor as the living room but with a distinctly more bohemian feel. He noted the brown tribal print blanket, spread over her white bed spread and another furry white rug, accompanied by a straw one on the side of the bed. He even spied a healthy looking plant of some sort by the window. 

Malcolm smiled a bit at Dani having a green thumb. Though he hadn’t expected it, Dani caring for a plant wasn’t totally unsurprising. She was a nurturer, Malcolm knew that firsthand and that knowledge sent a pang of sadness reverberating through him.

He shook his head because he couldn't and he wouldn't make this about him. 

“Can I help?” Malcolm asked as he watched Dani go to the dresser for clothes to change into to. He didn’t want her to disturb her stitches by squatting down or moving too much.

“Sure.” Dani sat on the decorative wooden bench in front of her bed, wincing a bit. “There’s shorts and a shirt in the bottom drawer. I can get the rest.”

Malcolm nodded, a blush heating his cheeks at the idea of seeing any of _the rest_. He didn’t dwell on that as he was just grateful that she was allowing him to help. He squatted down, selecting an oversized Notre Dame shirt and a pair of black Nike shorts. “It this okay?”

Dani stood slowly. “It’s fine, thanks.” She said softly, taking the clothes from him. Malcolm looked at her–really looked her. He was growing worried as this felt like more than just her being upset with him. Dani looked far away and distant. Malcolm knew that look well. He knew what it was like when his mind took him places he’d rather not go and he didn’t want that for his friend.

Dani had left for the shower without sparing him a second glance and Malcolm felt a bit strange standing in the middle of her bedroom. He could feel the restlessness beginning to overtake him once more. He wanted to make sure Dani was okay but he truly wasn’t sure if she was.

–––––––––––––––––

Malcolm had decided to make himself useful by brewing tea. He quickly found her stash and he was unsurprised to find that she kept Earl Grey among others such as Matcha and Peppermint in bulk. While waiting for the the water to boil, he realized that Dani had been in the bathroom for awhile. It had been about twenty minutes since he’d heard the shower shut off. 

He slowly walked up to the door prepared to knock and ask if she was alright before he heard muffled sobs through the door. 

Without thinking, Malcolm opened the door only to find Dani sitting on the edge of the bathtub, her arms wrapped around her body as if physically holding herself together. Her curls dusted her lap as she wept–broken, anguished sounds coming from deep within her. 

He remembered something Dani had shared with him long ago. He remembered her telling him how she’d overdosed on a dirty floor in the uncaring company of drug pushers and killers. He remembered how she must’ve felt to lie on her back, helpless and not knowing if that was how she’d spend her last moments. He realized that those horrible memories–that pain–must’ve come rushing back and all Malcolm wanted right then was to take it all away.

Malcolm knelt in front of Dani, lightly placing his hands on the tops of her arms, pulling her towards him. She fell into his embrace and he wrapped his arms around her, settling them both on the bathroom floor. He held her head to his chest as his other hand lightly lightly traced circles along her arm, before discreetly moving to her side, gently probing the bandages making sure she hadn’t reopened her stitches. 

Malcolm didn’t give Dani platitudes because he knew she wouldn’t want them. He just held her as she cried. Dani didn't need to hold herself together because he was here and he'd do it each time. Malcolm figured as much as Dani had gone through over the past 48 hours, she deserved to let out everything she was feeling and he was happy he could be there for her as she did. Well, not _happy_ exactly–that wasn’t the right word. _Fulfilled_. It fulfilled him, knowing that he was capable of doing for her what she’d always done for him.

He’d never been the one people went to for comfort–he was the one who’d always been in need of it and Dani had always given it to him. Malcolm found that he liked giving, he didn’t want her to think of him as someone who always took.

Malcolm rested his chin on top of her soft, slightly damp curls–content to hold Dani as her sobs subsided. She slowly disentangled herself from him and he looked down at her, gently brushing her curls off of her forehead, allowing his fingers to wind through her hair–appreciating the impossible softness. 

Before he knew what was happening, Malcolm found himself slowly closing the distance, pressing his lips to hers. As with raindrops on rose petals, he only applied the slightest bit of pressure as he brought Dani closer to him–inhaling her fresh shower and Dove soap scent, feeling her melt into him. He didn’t understand this feeling, all he understood was that the static that constantly filled his mind subsided all at once. This is what he’d been looking for–what he’d been waiting for. It was her.

Dani blinked before alarm flooded her deep brown eyes, she jumped back as though she’d been burned. Malcolm dazedly watched her scramble up from the floor, clutching her side as she nearly ran out of the bathroom.

He didn’t mean to kiss her. He hadn’t been able to help it, all he felt was that gravitational pull he’d always felt around Dani though ten times stronger as she’d never been this close to him before. 

It was terrifying, having all of your dreams within reach–only to see them slip through your fingers.

––––––––––––––––

“Nonononono, this can’t happen.” Dani murmured to herself, standing in the middle of the living room. She turned to face him, her stranger’s eyes glowing with something he’d never seen before at least not towards him. “You have to leave.”

Malcolm flinched back as though he’d been slapped. Dani was kicking him out after he’d kissed her. For those few seconds, Malcolm had truly known peace and he _couldn’t_ lose that. He knew that once he walked out of the door, he’d get no other chances with her. 

“Dani, please don’t cast me out.” Malcolm couldn’t hide the panic in his voice. He was starting to unravel and he couldn’t stand it, he had to stay with her.

“Like the way _you_ cast _me_ out?” Dani shot back, emotion thickening her own voice making Malcolm feel worse that now he was the reason for her tears. “You can’t be here. You can’t be here being sweet to me–taking care of me.”

“Dani, I do care about you,” Malcolm mumbled, resisting the urge to look at his feet. He couldn't stand the look in her eyes. He’d screwed up and he realized that he’d broken her heart but he wanted to atone for that. He wanted to be the one to protect her heart.

Dani shook her head, her curls bouncing along with the movement. “You don’t! You don’t care about anyone except yourself, much less me.”

At this, Malcolm did stare at his feet. He wanted to meet her gaze head on and with conviction but he found that he couldn’t. She had no reason to believe that he cared because he’d done an awful job of showing it. She taken on all of his burdens–all of his demons–willingly and he’d given her nothing in return. “…That’s not true…”

“Isn’t it? You did all you could to hurt me.” Dani sighed, at this point the fight had gone out of her and she just looked so very tired. “I can’t do this with you right now, Bright. Just leave.”

Malcolm now shook his head, knowing he was being selfish. Knowing he should just obey her wishes and go home but he couldn’t bring himself to do that. “Dani…I didn’t. I didn’t wanna hurt you.”

Dani frustratedly raked a hand through her curls, “How can you say that? I gave you my trust and my trust is all I have. But answer this: you didn’t want someone who loved you instead?” She’d never lie to him. She’d never deceive him. She had no reason to but that wasn’t good enough for him. _She_ wasn’t good enough for him.

Malcolm’s head snapped up. Did she…? Dani loved him? _She_ loved _him_? He realized that Dani showed up for him and she protected him but never did he believe that she loved him. He wouldn’t blame her but had she said something, he would’ve _never_ even looked at anyone else. 

Dani could’ve given him everything he needed and more. That peace he felt when he kissed her then, he could’ve had it all the time. He would’ve given her everything, every part of him and she would’ve only loved him more for it.

That realization was enough to bring him to his knees.

Dani smiled though there wasn’t a trace of humor behind it. “I guess not though.” 

That wasn’t true, Malcolm wanted someone who loved him. That was all he’d _ever_ wanted but he just never thought that she did. He hadn’t misinterpreted the signs. He hadn't seen–believed–them. 

Dani ruthlessly continued, “Honestly, Bright. Whatever it is, I hope you get what you’re dying for. You can see yourself out.”

With that Dani turned on her heel, in the direction of the bedroom. A clear dismissal but Malcolm wouldn’t give up that easily. He’d fight for another chance. He truly was the hardest to love but somehow she did anyway. He couldn’t leave her without being honest himself.

“Dani, wait! I need you. I need you to need me. _Need me._ I am begging you.” Malcolm didn’t know where that came from, likely some untapped depth of his heart that had been chained and padlocked so long he no longer thought it existed but he didn’t care. He’d given his heart to someone who didn’t deserve it because he’d been afraid to give it to the one who did. He couldn’t allow that fear to rule him any longer. He’d come so close to losing Dani once, he couldn’t lose her a second time.

Dani kept walking, slowly and painfully. She wasn’t moved by pretty words that she was certain held no real meaning.

–––––––––––––––

“Here, I made you tea” Malcolm said to her back after awhile as Dani laid on her good side, surrounded by fluffy white and tan pillows, holding out a mug of Earl Grey to her. She wanted nothing to do with him and despite how much it hurt, Malcolm still wanted to look after her. It was the _very least_ he could do. 

She ignored him and he placed the mug on the night stand, along with the medication that she’d would need for her injuries shortly as he took a seat on the edge of her bed. Malcolm meant what he told her. He did need her. He didn’t realize it until he was faced with the possibility of never seeing her again–of her being lost to him forever. He needed her comfort, her care. Her love.

“Why are you _still_ here?” Dani asked, not opening her eyes as she felt Malcolm situate the tribal print blanket around her, tucking it around her carefully. She couldn’t understand why he was doing all of this for her. Why did he show up for her _now_? Every time she thought Malcolm would come closer–he retreated farther away. All she’d ever gotten from him were inconsistencies and confusion.

What more could Malcolm possibly want from her? Dani didn’t want this–she’d _never_ wanted this. She got caught up in thinking that she really knew the man with the gentle smile and the sad eyes. She got caught up in thinking that there was something worth salvaging in someone who everyone else had thrown away. She’d gotten more than she bargained for–which is to say, she’d gotten nothing at all.

He didn’t answer her question instead opting for more honesty. “I don’t want you to hate me, Dani.” 

“I wish I could. That would be easier,” she whispered, still not looking at him. Though Dani’s eyes were still closed, he could see the pain on her face and Malcolm knew it had little to do with her injuries. It had everything to do with him and he didn’t want that. He wanted to make her happy. He didn’t want her to regret loving him. He wanted it to be worth it. _He_ wanted to be worth it.

Malcolm hesitantly reached out, gently trailing a fingertip over the high arc of her cheekbone, “Tell me what to do. Dani…I am…unfinished, I’ve got so much left to learn.” He knew a lot yet he knew nothing at all and Malcolm didn’t know if any of this was making sense but he wanted Dani to know that he understood how much all of this cost her and he wasn’t taking it–her–for granted anymore.

Dani opened her eyes to look at him. They weren’t her stranger’s eyes but he didn’t see the warmth she used to have for him either. “Bright, I don’t want you to do anything other than to mean what you say. That’s it. Just don’t lie to me.”

His fingers trailed up to her curls, brushing her temples lightly. “I know what you think–what I’ve given you reason to think but nothing I’ve ever told you has been a lie.” Dani remained silent as Malcolm continued to wind his fingers through her hair as she leaned into his touch ever so slightly. “Please believe me when I tell you that I love you too. I just haven’t had a lot of experience with feeling _wanted_. I guess, I could never quite believe that you actually did.” 

Dani frowned as she scooted a bit closer to him, their knees touching. “You can’t possibly be that dumb.”

Malcolm’s lips twitched up in a smile as _that_ sounded so much more like the Dani he knew. “You’d be surprised.” 

More than anything, Malcolm wanted to be the one Dani could turn to. The one she could depend on. He truly wanted to be her partner. He was tired of disappointing her and he wanted to make good on that promise he’d made to her that day in the morgue. 

“I really want to do better for you but if you want me to leave then I will because I’ve already made you unhappy and I don’t wanna do that anymore,” Malcolm said honestly. He truly didn’t. He’d taken so much from her. She should be recovering and he was even making that difficult. He wouldn’t be selfish, he'd done that too much already. He'd done that already today. He would be selfless. If he had to love her from afar and at a distance, he would.

Dani scooted even closer, surprising him when she rested her head on his shoulder, looking up at him. For the first time in a long time, Malcolm saw something familiar in her beautiful brown eyes. Something he now knew that he would never see from anyone else. “Bright, I’ve always wanted you to stay.” 

Just then, Malcolm realized that Dani didn’t just mean with her right now. She meant _always_ always. She meant from the moment she held him–a complete stranger to her–in the middle of the precinct that she wanted him to stay. She meant that from the moment she watched him nearly die as he held an unstable landmine that she wanted him to stay. 

Malcolm realized that after all he’d been through–all he’d suffered–this was fate finally being on his side for once. Dani wanted him to stay because despite everything, he was hers and she was his. 

That’s the way it was and the way it would always be.

**Author's Note:**

> MASSIVE thank you to @2amEuphoria who pretty much held my hand as I wrote this lol. This is soooo not my usual style but @PrettyButt wanted angst and I tried my very best to deliver.
> 
> The songs referenced and that inspired this story are  
> "Got til Its Gone" by Janet Jackson & Q-Tip  
> "Without Me" by Halsey  
> "Never Be Like You" by Flume  
> "Be Careful" by Cardi B
> 
> I also used a few prompts by @drink-it-write-it on Tumblr
> 
> 19\. "I am unfinished, I've got so much left to learn"
> 
> "I need you. I need you to need me. Need me. I am begging you."


End file.
